fickle minds

Courage

How much courage does it take for someone to let themselves get hurt? Enough to freak most people out.

knowing my own capabilities, there is no way that I can't confess to someone. under ANY circumstances. but what are the consequences of my actions? withdrawal? awkwardness? disbelief? betrayal? argh, too many other things to consider in this case.

as i wont be getting married anytime soon, all i have now is time. how i use it is a different matter altogether.

being constantly in a state of knowing-it-all, sometimes i myself need help from others.

not knowing what i hinted, life simply goes on. people come and go and so does your feelings. the worst thing that could happen now is not realising what matters in your life. but surely you do.

on top of the world all the time, the first fall will definitely be the hardest to forget.

you always tell me that i'm capable of everything, believing that i can achieve whatever that is set forth to me. trusting you and your seemingly sincere words, there is no reason why i shouldn't believe it the same. you are the one who presents surprises as if they were an everyday task. you never stopped pushing yourself beyond your limit, hoping to fall among the stars while reaching for the sky...

determination and diligence are what i believe you possess, to be the best no matter what it takes.

all it takes is just a smile.

unfinished business..

wow..very soon i will be back in Vancouver. I didnt expect time to fly THIS fast,i'm already starting to feel the dreadful day drawing closer and closer..bleh...

meeting up with my friends was indeed the best medicine for me during my break here, although in the beginning i was rather withdrawn from the whole social network. my friends always made me feel good in the way that they remind me who i really am. it's true about the whole self-image thing that i've learned in Van where our friends or families are known to form our perceptions of ourselves. ironically true there.

recently been feeling very loved and appreciated

hmmm

A smile can change the world, that must be the best phrase ever created!

Nearing my last days of internship, I'm starting to feel nostalgic, for the computer that i get to use here, for SOME people who have been kind to me and for the unexpected events that open my eyes. The first impression really does matter, it somewhat sketches a portrait of you to others, whether positive or negative. For the past month working here, well i guess i should say Training instead, although i must say i didnt learn the hands-on work that i could be proud of later in my career, i did pick up a few rule of thumb.

I should also mention that I realise something while i was back for my break..FRIENDS can actually be something relative. Depending on how you look at the importance of friendships, your opinion may start to change with the ever changing environment. People whom you were once close with are no longer keeping in touch with you and suddenly those who werent very close were making the effort to catch up. how ironic is that heh?

My vision in the coming 10 years would be something like this.....

Walking hand in hand with the most adoring man, watching a little child take its first few steps...Falling and getting up seem like a challenging task when many adults take the privilege of being able to walk for granted. Calling out for its name while smiling at the man with bright eyes and an infectious smile.Gently stroking his hair when suddenly out of no where a cool breeze sweeps by, bringing us even closer together.

Taking a spot, placing the mat, and lying down on the ground as if it were the most comfortable place to be...

SNAP..

ACTION!

OLA! I'm back with my soon to be bored day...AGAIN. thinking of resigning today, am still contemplating the pros and CONS. haha..anyways, it's only Monday. I'm going to Krabi Island SOOOOOOOOON! whooopeeedoo~ Finally, some relaxation.

It's Monday and it's gloomy. and my boss aint in yet. What on earth am i actually expected to do? wait till she comes in ONE day? which she doesnt seem to hint? hah. Will prob give my resignation letter today, it's a pain to wait all day long, playing facebook games, wasting my life to some miserable company. Geez, i sound like a frustrated 50 year old now~

The weekend was awesome! had the usual Volleyball session with my buddies, had so much fun laughin my head off and dodging balls (fyi, that's exactly what you should NOT do on the court). oh, and "Made of Honor" was just amazing! Bravo to Patrick Dempsey and the lovely co-star (oops i didnt see what her name was). Anyways, those who wish to catch a romantic comedy with your friends should definitely watch this!

Well other than Vball and the movie, i actually went bowling with my family! OMG, after all these years of NOT playing, i'm finally giving it another try.hehe..due to past bitter experiences. Besides, i should start getting out of my comfort zone and get into the real world filled with possible fun activities. It's just a matter of time before i grow fond of clubbing (have yet to go to my first clud) hahaha..

Life seems to be great lately, there's bonding with friends and families. although not so much of either but there is still..

THe thought of going back to Vancouver is starting to haunt my sleep. wonder what would it be like to leave home once again to spread my wings in the land of possibilities and supposedly opportunities? Have to figure out how to support my living expenses while i'm there, geez, this isnt getting any easier with the exploding inflation throughout the world. the only difference is that the inflation in Canada is going to hurt me 3 times more~

Am already all prepared for lunch today, vegetarian...AGAIN. have been having the same old thing for the past weeks. just my reluctance to find something new...the same old boring me! oh well..a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do~

Cant wait to meet up with my friends again. Working life just aint appealing to me really,wonder if i would ever get a dream job in the not-too-far-away future of mine (if i have one to start with). this 8-5.30 thing definitely isnt going too well with me here. and that's from a ONE month's experience. Gosh, imagine having to clock in another 30 years of my life here. someone please just kill me (preferably painlessly).

Daydreaming about how things will work out when i'm back in Vancouver. family, friends, ex, studies...

30 minutes later...

Ok, my boss is back, I have no idea how to tell her i want to quit this job now.OMG..i'm so dead! Man, I hate to take this all personal and what not but she has taught me a bit and i feel like i'm betraying her if i told her i wanted to quit my job. My, what am i suppose to do now..

sigh...there goes my soon-to-be-boring Monday.

what?

Ooh! I'm back i'm back!

Yesterday was a disaster but today is a miracle~ wooohoo..not sure why but the EMO-ness in me seem to have faltered overnight. Guess that's a good thing aint it?

Having spent a whole 8 months in Vancouver has taught me something, nothing is more important in your life than your family. I'm sure there will be people out there who chooses to believe otherwise but to those who have studied abroad, you will definitely agree that there's no place like HOME!

The ons and offs-happiness and despair-love and hatred, doesnt seem to fit in very well in the new environment. People act differently if not indifferently. They sneer at your or worse, stabs you at your back. either one is almost better than being there all by yourself.

Time flies and soon it will all be the same routine again. Over and Over and Over again, a merry-go-round that never stops until someone pushes the button. Same goes with life, many fail to realise the true purpose of being here, being present and acknowledged, by the surroundings, the people and nature. Until one day, when it is too late, too late...

ever wondered what would it be like if you were someone else? someone more glamorous perhaps? someone who's the idol of someone else? hah! dream on! because you're in THIS life and THIS is who you are and you gotta LIVE with it and live it well~ tough luck

sometimes i stop to think, about the sound, the light, the people by my side. whoever knew, what would have occurred, to that person whom we wonder about in our dreams.Struggling to breathe, to smell the morning air, to be there...

What is WRONG with me?!

Although I think I know what I want in life, I just realized I can't really decide what matters to me. Losing someone whom I think isn't important hurts me deeply. but the feeling is something that I wish I didn't have to feel now. It pains so badly even at the thought of you. Your humour has made me grow on you. Perhaps we were really not meant to be but somehow I sense the slightest glimpse of hope. It's pretty obvious that you're on my mind always. Need to focus, no time for unnecessary distractions, especially at this point of my life. I really WANT to KNOW what to do! OMG. I'm always so lost when it comes to relationships!!! I'm such a failure. Have to learn from past mistakes...omg omg..

Borscht

I still remember the first day when I first met you. I thought you were charming and irresistible. But, there came another tall 'blonde' with legs so long that are just overwhelming. Your smile covered your little face with such precision that it fits as though it was meant to be.

In a brown wrap secretly concealing the pink within, there you were, towering right in front of me. smiling. we were sitting and laughing the next moment and I knew there was something between us. things happened pretty fast, it was as if we knew each other for ages. life is just very unique in its own way.

endless conversations and little chats in between classes, it blossomed.unexpectedly.

life is supposed to be filled with mystery and surprises but when too many falls at you simultaneously, you'd feel suffocated and drowned..not the best feeling in the world i would say...

he's cute, almost too cute to be true...

then , he came so close to kiss me. BUT knowing me, i had to tell him that it's not my culture to do that.

not recognising the hint, there pops the question, gf? OMG.

...

sometimes you stop to wonder what's your purpose in life... to be successful? happy? satisfied? normal? eventful?

it's not always the case. besides, those are pretty subjective, depending on the various interpretations one can argue.

to be living your dreams is a gift but what if that doesnt seem to be that important anymore? what does it take to make you realize the truly essential parts of your life? does it take a million miles to enlighten you? why does life have to be so complicated anyways?

studying isnt really everything in life but it definitely brings you further in life (although the process may vary from one person to another-the degree of 'fun').  does it take a mere 30days to be forgotten?

parting with your comfort zone may be one of the biggest transition that one can experience in life. it may sound terrifying to some, but to others, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity!

preparing myself for a better future may be the key to motivate me throughout the course here in Vancouver. as much as i would love to enjoy myself here while i'm working real hard to cope with my studies, it's almost impossible to catch a breath to breathe. often, we assume that the grass on the other side is greener only to find out that it's in fact about the same minus the family and friends.

as awful as it sounds, it's far from misery. independent life is something that everyone are entitled to at different points of their lives. mine is here and now..

arrival upon a foreign land

it has been exactly 30 days since i step foot on the land of Canada, in Vancouver to be specific. somehow, it seems manageable for the first month.

the weather here is getting colder and unbearable by the day..plus having the fireplace in the house aint the best idea at all.the whole house smells like a BBQ hotspot.not to mention that the air is really really really DRY. try going on without moisturizer for a day and you'll regret the moment you step out of the house.

while i'm here, i've learnt quite a lot about this country. Firstly, it's a crazy amount of tax that they pay for here. buying groceries is becoming a challenge since everything is excluding the tax. furthermore, after the conversion to the RM, it's like WAY more expensive than it should be. tsk tsk . living on a budget really isnt that easy.

in college, met new friends from all around the world but mostly from China, HK, Iran and Malaysia? erm..just to mention a couple..it's pretty much like in Malaysia really apart from the public transportation. it's far more efficient here than back home but still, it's freezing cold to stand at the bus stops every morning. the courses that i'm taking are rather taxing. so much to do in such little time. that's also due to the 'comfortable' environment that i'm living in now.

talking about my homestay, wow...it was really deceiving. at the very beginning, when i met Marcella, she was so nice and soft spoken. BUT now..after a month, she has shown her true colours already..how fast that is? didn't know until recently that not eating the egg yolk is a crime...and that 100% cotton simply means not advisable to dry with the dryer. weird things happen in this house. then there's Marco, her beloved son. OMG he scares me sometimes. walking like a ghost, making no noise at all and suddenly appearing in front of me.. can die of a heart attack sooner or later.it's insane in this house.

at first i was intending to stay here until i finish my 2 semesters at Columbia College but at the looks of it, i will be moving out the minute i get the opportunity. the only setback is that she cooks really good food! yummy yummy Italian..simply irresistible.however, that's only because she adds so much fat into the cooking which i find very disgusting.

erm..i take the bus to college everyday in which i have to walk a distance from my house to the bus stop and from the bus stop to college, i guess that's the least exercise i can do everyday since there's no yoga for me here.although there is, but it's only gonna add to the financial burden-no thx-

would love to meet new friends here..the more the merrier. who knows prince charming is just around the corner. hmm..i probably wont have time for that anyways.too bad.

although Canada is a country with one of the biggest economies, there are many homeless around the streets in Chinatown. seeing them walking aimlessly and sleeping on the streets is really painful but i must admit they are sometimes quite frightening to be near at.

so that's about it in Vancouver that i've gone through here, hopefully there's more that i can explore here during my stay.

Plain thots..

Oh no, can't sleep and it's almost 10 now..

What's bothering your mind in the night is often the things that you can't let go during the day. For instance, when you see something that you like during the day, you tend to think about it during the night, that's if you REALLY like that thing or person.

Feeling nothing is really something new to me. It's like the world around doesnt exist but appears so real at the same time.

THere are times when you feel so lonely in this world that you start questioning your presence here...sometimes you even doubt it. Other times, you are like on top of the world, knowing that you have everything that you'll ever ask for from this life. I certainly prefer to ponder on the latter... What's the meaning to life if there's no satisfaction?

I believe there are far greater things in life apart from romance and that the fulfillment that one can get is just something that cannot be described nor fixed.there are no impossibles in the world unless u tell yourself there is.

Being given the opportunity to study in Canada is beyond everything that i could ever ask for from my parents. Mommy dearest knows me the best and i'm truly truly grateful that she does. I just hope that in the near future, i will remember to remember all the things that she has done for me unconditionally..well maybe on one condition is that i dont marry an ang mo..haha..I dont know about you but i think the more you fear of something, the faster it will hit you...

Life is just a journey of decisions